I recently wrote a review of The Book of Joseph. Interestingly, someone online wrote a book called the Missaticum Biblia and included The Book of Joseph as chapters 3 to 14 of that book.

The Missaticum Biblia begins by introducing us to a seraph named Nakash who was given authority over the earth before man.

“This is the book of Nakash and how he became null and void.” (Missaticum Biblia 1:2)

“Nakash led the third part of the dragons of fire in peace in paradise. Trees were gold and leaves were of the color of jasper and other fine jewels.” (Missaticum Biblia 1:3)

Jealous of “the only begotten ones” (mankind?) Nakash influenced his army “to do the evil thing”. God sent his seven angels, Michael, Gabriel, Uriel, Raphael, Phanuel, Suraphael and Raguel to defeat Nakash. (1:4) Nakash caused the earth to become desolate. He was created to be in opposition to divine reasons. (1:5)

Generations (of what? angels?) passed and Adam was created (1:6). If mankind wasn’t created yet, who was Nakash jealous of before? Or is Adam not the first man in this retelling? In either case, an unnamed woman was created from Adam’s side and we’re told “Yes, the being from the womb of man became the woe of man.” This document was supposedly written in Latin and Greek then translated into English, but it contains a lot of wordplay that works best in English. It’s also as misogynistic as the Bible.

“God forbade them to eat of the fruit of Nakash for it is to know good and evil. However, the woman looked upon Nakash and lusted for him and did touch. Her husband joined them. Both then realized they did commit an abominable thing.” (1:7) In this telling, “the fruit” seems to refer to Nakash’s genitals rather than fruit from a tree. In the next verse, Adam says “The wife you gave me performed sin with Nakash.” (1:8)

“The wife” is finally named Eve in 1:9. Eve is cursed to have pain in childbirth because “you have listened to another voice instead of the voice of your man.” God turns Nakash into a worm. Nakash “wormed” his way into the thoughts of Kain and got him to murder his brother Abel. (1:12)

This next bit seems to be a reference to the Nephilim: “In those days, and afterwards, the gods were tempted by Nakash to lust after the women of earth. The women bore titanic children to these gods which are called Fellers.” (1:14)

God floods the land and chains the gods forever, but their offspring became shades called the phantoms of fear. (1:16)

In the Bible, Nimrod is said to be a great hunter who founded several cities and that’s about it. Extrabiblical sources expand his story, making him the wicked king responsible for building the Tower of Babel and opposing Abraham. There’s a song by The Pixies called “Nimrod’s Son” alleging Nimrod had a child with his mother. This isn’t in the Bible, so I assumed The Pixies mixed Nimrod up with someone else. Researching this now, the idea that Nimrod married his mother originally came from an 1853 pamphlet titled The Two Babylons.

Missaticum Biblia 2:2 repeats the claim that Nimrud (as Nimrod is called here) married his own mother Shemerimus (Semiramis). Noe’s (Noah’s) son Shem was angry about this and threatens to tear down Nimrud’s temple (2:4). Nimrud threatens Shem right back (2:5).

Two years later, Abram’s name is changed to Abraham (2:6). He also threatens Nimrud (2:7) and that’s the last we hear of Abraham. Shem then kills Nimrud (2:8). Nimrud’s mother/wife finds a part of Nimrud’s body, presumably his penis: “Afterward, his whore found one part of his body and set up obelisks in honor of that foul thing she found. She kept it by her and even did unspeakable acts with it” (2:8). Lovely. Seven years later, wild pigs kill Shemerimus and she becomes known as Lilith for some reason (2:9).

Before dying, she gives birth to Trybetha, a particularly evil toddler: “Trybetha did the evil that his father Nimrud did before him and even spread his seed among the sons of Assur (2:10).” He sends armies to find Shem, but can’t find him. Meanwhile, Shem writes a book to be taken on the ark (2:11) even though the flood already happened in the last chapter.

When Shem is 600 years old, he prophecies about God sending his word (presumably Jesus) to die in the last days, however Nimrud will return and cause kings to commit whoredoms in the name of the word.

“Also, my people will fight another like unto Nimrud before this. His name will be the manifestation of a god. The leader of my people will be Judas. The children and their mother will die because of Piggul. The same will also come to pass in the last days.” (2:15)

Will the leader of God’s people be the Judas who betrayed Jesus or a different guy who just happens to share the same name?

“The people of bugbear will also be taken over by adulterous men who will spread another word not heard of before that time. Another congregation will profane the name of the LORD into a strange sound never heard of before. Then I will send a strong arm but he will also fall because of the sin of Nimrud.”(2:16)

I’m impressed that the author has captured the Book of Revelation’s mysterious allusions combined with disgust for sex. If not for the references to Biblical theories from the 1800s, it might sound like an ancient book.

In the next verse, Shem seems to be expressing disgust at manger scenes that depict Jesus as a baby: “My word will be tampered with by those bishops who think to know better. It will deceive many and place my word into infancy each year cycle when the year is dead.” (2:17)

“Do not worship the east nor carve trees in the name of God.”(2:20) Is this forbidding Christmas trees? I mean, they are pagan, but still.

Shem dies, then the Book of Joseph is clumsily inserted, comprising chapters 3-14. The Book of Joseph ended before Joseph revealed himself to his brothers. Will chapter 15 continue the story where this left off?

No. Chapter 15 begins “Proven writings to ensure faith and to encourage spiritual revolt against evil prevalence. Thus being affirmed, Lo, Timotheus of wisdom and spirit, heed.” (Missaticum Biblia 15:1) Huh?

The next verse doesn’t exactly clear things up: “Thus says Levi, the righteous and wise. I look upon the land and see beauty but horror prevails and I ask ‘Why?’ The answer will come soon. Amen.” (15:2)

Will it start to make sense in the third verse? “In the 219th year after Israel broke away from Ephraim, we ascended upon the Mount of Egypt.” (15:3) Who’s this we? Is Levi still talking to us or is this someone else?

“Yes, all you participants of time being, I say, Turn back.” (15:4) So we’ve switched to second-person now? It continues like this, vaguely condemning evil for a while. Verse 10 mentions an antichrist even though Christ hasn’t been mentioned by name yet. The writer also mixes their metaphors a bit: “I am meaning to not cast stones upon the hand that feeds you.” (15:10) Okay then.

It’s bad for the rich to vex the poor (15:12). Plague is coming, but God will save his poor (15:14). The final war will not be between races, but between the rich and poor (15:15). Levi stops talking in verse 19.

The final three verses of this chapter are titled “Vow of Adam To Eve” but it’s not so much of a vow, as Adam commanding Eve to obey him forever.

Someone named Gregori is now the narrator (16:1) and wants to carry out the prophecy of Christ (16:2). He’s going to meditate to gain strength to punish the synagogues of Nakash, a.k.a. “these Babel bastards” (16:3)

The Lord tells Gregori someone even mightier than him will punish the wrongdoers (16:4). “The king that comes will sell you out to this great enemy” (16:5) Another mysterious reference: “Damn you, Amor. The days come when the man with three crowns changes the eternal law once again as he did in the days of night.” (16:6) Who’s this Amor?

“But I will spare my people this time. I will shorten your days from 1200 twelve moons to half of seven. I take pity upon my virgin bride.” (16:7)

“Golgathi will return and lay waste on some of my holy ones. The gazing window (television?) will report this news to the pagans. My bride Henoch will be saved from most of the horror and desolation to come. The ark is preparing again, my servant Noe.” (16:8) I thought God vowed to never flood the earth again?

Gregori’s apparently not a fan of oral sex: “Why do the heathen play stones and sticks with whores and loose women? The mouths of prostitutes perform shame upon weak men.” (16:10)

The evil Amor is called “the unclean bird”. Gregori is also not a fan of anal sex: “Shameful beasts will pleasure themselves from behind.” (16:11) Also, (remember this was supposedly translated from Greek and Latin) “The land of milk and honey will become the land of ilk and money” (16:11).

This is all over the place, constantly switching gears, introducing characters then moving on before telling us much about them. “John had three wives. One was Kush. One was Nephi (is this a dig at Mormons?). One was Lilith. A son was born from Kush. His name was Adam, but others called him Joseph.” (16:14) Nephi has a son with her father (16:15).

But never mind all that. Gregori now wants to tell us the ten commandants (16:16-18) adding in a few additional commandments not found in the Bible such as forbidding abortion (16:18).

Chapter 17 tells us the end is coming, but it’s unclear whether it will happen in this generation or in 1,000 years.

The secret name of the devil is Sametiwotufs (18:1). Women are “not capable of understanding the desire of a man’s love to his God” (18:3). Joshua (by which he means Jesus) was betrayed by Judas, killed, lay in a tomb for three days, and arose (18:6). The narrator wishes women were like Mary Magdalene who led men to Christ (18:7).

“All the wicked that will be punished will number 2,636,000.” (19:3)

“The king of Amor is the door to the power of Therion.” (19:4)

There will be a third world war (20:4). Apparently, God is mad at those who don’t keep kosher: “There shall come the son from the east with thousands of his holy hosts of heaven to render judgment upon those who sit among the green trees eating pigs, mice and everything abominable” (20:5). God knows who has eaten the broth of unclean meats (20:6).

Just to be random, we’re then given a brief history of the Aztecs or “Achittics”. When Alexander conquered Asia, the Achittics sailed to America and built Tenochittilan and practiced human sacrifice (21:2). A prophet named Chattoatl tells them to denounce Quetzocoatl and worship Christ (21:4). They sacrifice him (21:5).

Chapter 22 is a short poem praising God and that’s it. Wow. This is really all over the place, rapidly switching subjects, mentioning characters as if we’re supposed to know who they are, then switching subjects again. It’s hard to follow. A footnote claims The Book of Joseph fits in with the rest of the text even though it obviously doesn’t and claims it was translated by the same person even though it obviously isn’t. The Book of Joseph portion is the only part that’s consistent. The rest of the Missaticum Biblia is just a bunch of random ramblings.